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Sexuality is central to being human but is not always a topic we are ready to discuss indepth over a cup of coffee or raise with our patients. Nursing Review asked Mary Hodson, a therapist specialising in emotional and sexual intimacy, to share some thoughts on maintaining your sexual wellbeing.

 

Google “what is a normal sex life?” and you get 126 million results in 30 seconds –article after article asking and answering “what is a healthy sexy life?” or “how much sex is normal?” Also ‘listicles’ like “11 wacky signs your sex life is totally normal” and “Four myths about healthy sex”.

Probably the most obvious thing all these Google hits tell us is that it is fairly normal to wonder what’s “normal”.

But what a normal sex life actually is is very hard to define, says Mary Hodson, as there aren’t any norms when it comes to sexuality.

And how people express or experience their sexuality is as diverse as any other human characteristic (see sidebar for definitions and research) but by the virtue of being human we are all sexual beings.

Hodson’s work focuses on helping couple and individuals work through issues – either emotional or sexual or both – affecting their intimate relationships.

She says probably the most common reasons that people seek help in the age group the majority of nurses fall into – 35 years to 55 years – is low libido and most often female low libido. Also cases of one partner feeling pressured to have sex and, of course, unresolved relationship issues including sexual issues.

 

The common myth about female libido

While it is more often low female libido than low male libido that prompts couples to seek her help, Hodson says it is a myth that women are less interested in having sex then men.

“Recent research indicates that variation in sexual desire is much more related to relationship issues than gender traits. Women are more likely to leave an issue unresolved to keep the peace than men, and unresolved issues are usually love and passion killers.”

“If I am feeling hurt, resentful, unappreciated, taken for granted, neglected or in any way unfairly treated for a sustained period, it is going to affect my feelings for, and my willingness to engage sexually with, my partner.”

Women’s lives are also so often jam-packed that Hodson believes the major issue for many woman is managing that ‘busyness’ – and the distraction of electronic devices – in order to have time to devote to the emotional and sexual sides of their relationships. “With mothers having children later and staying in employment while they do so, life is really frantically busy and there isn’t much time or energy left over for our partners.”

 

How do you keep your sexual side alive in a busy life?

“In order to keep the sexual side alive we have to focus on it a little,” believes Hodson. “And I don’t mean become obsessed to the point of being driven by a desire for sexual fulfilment.”

Hodson says the key ingredients in establishing and maintaining a long-lasting, stable relationship is to nurture the love and the sexual desire that the couple both have.

“If you don’t have it, then work very hard to grow it and do everything you can to take care of your partner’s emotional wellbeing.”

She advises couples to be totally honest and clear with their partner about how they can show love, nurture their sexual desire and take care of their emotional wellbeing. And also to:

• Speak respectfully to each other at all times; even when feeling angry.
• Be kind to each other at all times.
• Consider your partner’s needs and what is good for the relationship before making any decision and then make the decision together based on what is good for the relationship.
• Communicate carefully and thoroughly and make time on a daily or almost daily basis to talk about things that will encourage emotional closeness.
• Say clearly but gently what they think, feel and want to happen while not ignoring the other’s rights in the situation.
• Always be prepared to negotiate and compromise – a compromise can always be found even if it is only, “Well we cannot agree, so you make this decision and I’ll make the next curly one that comes up”.
• Treat your partner as an equal at all times.

 

Her experience is that it mostly attitudes, reactions and responses (or lack of responses) that cause the intimacy problems between couples, whereas couples who are emotionally and sexually in sync will cope better when faced with a major physical or psychological problem.

“I am frequently amazed at the awful experiences, enormous stress and major problems that couples in loving, caring, cooperative and respectful relationships manage to get through, triumph over and come out the other end relatively unscathed.”

“So, for example, a person who is recovering from a prostatectomy and having major sexual difficulties will generally cope better with the sense of loss and feelings of inadequacy when they are able to trust that their partner is there for them, will not judge them adversely and will continue to love and respect them.

 “On the other hand, I am sometimes sad and frustrated when couples aren’t coping with difficulties because one or both of them have stopped cooperating with the other or stopped caring and being kind, loving and respectful.”

 

Sexuality and the single woman

Hodson says she also worries a lot about single woman making the same mistakes with sex that older woman now regret.

She advises people not to rush into any relationships – especially not a sexual relationship.

“Take time to find out if the person can be trusted with your emotional wellbeing before you commit.” Which means looking back over your relationship history and working out at what point in a relationship you usually feel committed and holding back from taking that ‘commitment’ step until sure the person is right for them.

“For many, many women, the point of commitment is when they engage sexually so, if that is your ‘point of commitment’, don’t go there until your prospective partner has proved to be trustworthy,” says Hodson. “Don’t accept second best; commit to someone that you really feel the love for and feel the love from and also feel the sexual desire for and from.”

“A relationship needs all of these components – a feeling of love that goes both ways, a feeling of sexual desire that goes both ways and it also needs a mutual will to work at making the relationship work including a mutual will to take care of each other’s emotional wellbeing.” :

 

**Mary Hodson is a therapist specialising in emotional and sexual intimacy work for Sex Therapy New Zealand – a nationwide counselling service for help with intimacy and sexuality concerns.